Just Gentlemen Down By The River

Last weekend was our friend Sam's bachelor party weekend. It involved eating and drinking in nice establishments all around the District of Columbia. It also involved driving out to a high-tech driving range in northern VA where we had purchased an all-you-can-eat and all-balls-you-can-hit package. It was exciting for the first 7 minutes until one member of our group suffered a severe knee injury. Then it was really exciting.

It's a sad moment in life when you realize that you're of the age where you will go to the driving range with friends, and one of them could potentially sustain a very bad knee injury and have to go to the hospital.

It's also somewhat sad when you realize that a group of 10 hungover guys at a driving range is THE WORST group to be amongst when you suffer a bad-to-severe lower body injury. I think Mark would've received more sympathy from Federal prisoners.

"Mark, how's your leg?"
"Well, as you can see, the swelling is --"
"Oh my shot? Cool!"

Mark was a trooper. But the injury caused him to miss out on karaoke that night. The highlights of that outing included everything the Bachelor sang (he can sing) and our friend Danny Lee performing "Purple Rain" by Prince. I don't think anyone has "done" karaoke until they've seen an overweight Asian man sing the hell out of an '80s Prince super-ballad. Without even looking at the words.

During the weekend we also discussed various muggings and crimes in DC that have been experienced by our friends living there. They keep trying to convince me that DC is unsafe. I believe it, but I guess it's hard for that to sink in based on my most recent encounter with the homeless people of Charlottesville. Last week, I was jogging along the river when two guys stopped smoking what they were smoking to ask me which one of them had a better body. "Excuse me?" I yelped while removing my headphones and continuing to jog in place. Ready to make a hasty exit.

"I'm sayin' man, which one of us ya know, has a better body? Looks better? Who you think works out more??"

Both men were shirtless, overweight, and smoking what appeared to be crack. Not the kind of body contest I usually want to judge.

"Uhh.....he's got some bigger --" Do I say "guns" ? Do I actually deem one the winner??? "Uhh....he looks like he maybe works out a bit more." I pointed to the one on the left, the one who had been quiet until this time, when he pumped his fist in celebration. As I turned around and tried to make a quick getaway, the other guy wasn't done. "But wait....I mean, I work out too."

"Yeah," I said. "It's close."

The winner wasn't done either. "You have a blessed day, man!!!"

I ran the rest of my loop and thought for a while about whether or not to take a different route home. I wasn't necessarily afraid of anything except the awkwardness of having to talk to homeless men about their muscle tone. Screw it, I thought. I have nothing to fear.

When I came back to the spot, the loser of the Mr. Strongman contest was there by himself. "Yo!!!" he said. "Hey man," I replied. Then, possibly feeling my oats a bit too strongly, I added, "Where'd your friend go? Is he out pumping iron? You need to catch up." The guy just kind of grunted. And then said something indiscernible. Since my joke was so timely and funny and couldn't have been thought of as anything besides hilarious, I'll take his indifference as a sign of his inability to hear me, or that he was too high to comprehend the comedic gold I had laid at his feet. But I scampered off quickly.

The next day, jogging on the same trail, I ended up passing the same spot around the same time of day. This time, I found myself trying to navigate through a pack of about five 25-35 year old women who were all out on a run together. I looked over, and saw the (now fully clothed) body contest champion with two other friends whom I didn't recognize. I waved. He waved back and yelled, "Hey man!!!" The entire group of ladies wheeled around, shocked that I apparently was close friends with this fellow. I almost said, "He totally has a great body too," but decided to keep jogging silently.